On My Owwwn

As I'm sure you all have garnered, I've never lived alone before. And for the most part, I LOVE IT.  It does, however, present some challenging moments. So I am starting a "Helpful Hints for Living Alone" series for those of you who may be living alone for the fisrt time as well! (You're welcome.)

It's sure to be filled with tips, tricks, and advice about lots of things most normal people already know or would have figured out without any trouble... unless you're like me and are a bit behind the curve.


For everyone's safety, this series will NOT include cooking tips.

Part 1: HOW TO KILL A BUG

 

There are actually several methods I'd like to share with you today, based on three recent scientific trials I've conducted.  Just FYI, the unwritten Step #1 in all of these is, of course: PANIC Stay calm

As one does.
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Method #1: D.I.D (Damsel in Distress)

1: Stand on nearest item of furniture because, ya know, spiders can't climb or anything

2: Apologize to Susan B. Anthony, Gloria Steinem, and all the other feminists who fought to prove that women are just as strong as men...

3: Frantically Shamelessly text a male friend/neighbor to get up here and kill the spider

4: Try not to gag when he squishes it with his bare hand
5: Thank him with a cookie.

And some hand sanitizer.
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Method #2: O.C.D. (Obsessively Clean Disposal)

1: Shout "SPIDER!" & freeze, pointing at the intruder until Chris drops what he's doing

2: Toss him a shoe (preferably a non-favorite) to squash the disgusting thing

3: Watch, dumbfounded, as he painstakingly takes another shoe, scoops the spider onto the first shoe, and then carries the whole thing over to the sink and disposes of the spider with far more dignity than it deserved

4: Laugh at Appreciate just how far Chris will go to avoid getting spider guts on the rug

Love him. Mean it.
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Method #3: D.O.D. (Do or Die)

1: See a giant bug with no fewer than 80,000 legs chilling 2 feet from your head

2: Determine that 11 pm is perhaps too late to execute Methods 1 or 2

3: Gather your wits, grab a shoe, and smash the hell out of it

4: Congratulate yourself for a solid 5 minutes

5: Now try to figure out how to get 3.5 inches of bug guts off your wall.

Stick with me folks-- clearly we're gonna make it after all!

 Source

 

So there you go! If you're looking for organic, home-made, stored in a Mason jar pesticides... go to Pinterest and have at it. Otherwise, just be sure to have lots of readily accessible male friends & shoes, and you'll be good to go.

Just make sure they're not friends who say crap like this.

Also, suggestions for future installments of the How To series are welcome!