It has been AGES since I wrote a blog… so
sorry, friends! Trust me, there have been plenty of life events and random
rants that have crossed my mind over the last 2 months, but somehow just never
made it to the keyboard. Don’t worry,
this steel trap has remembered them all and will probably be writing blogs on a
near-daily basis while I’m stuck at work
and all you school personnel are enjoying your cushy 2-week breaks. (Nope, not bitter at all)
I love this time of year—people are generally friendlier,
families get together, and everyone slacks off takes time to relax. It’s also the time of year when indulging in guilty pleasures is fairly
socially acceptable. For some people, this means boozing it up at holiday parties (more
on this topic later). For others, it
means throwing caution and the food pyramid to the wind and eating copious amounts of cookies. Still others see this as a time of year to shop til they drop, regardless of what
those credit card bills may say. It’s ok,
we all have our vices. What is my holiday vice, you may ask? (I’m assuming you
did since you’re still reading.)
Cheesy holiday movies—the
Hallmark-ier, the better. Lifetime, ABC
Family, and the Hallmark movie channel have played a crucial role in enabling
this addiction of mine with their 25 Days of Endless Movie Marathons.
I don’t know what it is about these movies—which I am fully
aware are really, really terrible in almost every dimension—that is so addicting.
Perhaps it is seeing families that are inevitably crazier than mine still manage to pull off a fun and memorable
Christmas, while making me feel more normal. Maybe it’s due to the fact that
they help me get in the holiday spirit
no matter what is going on at home/work. I think these movies serve as a form of escapism (after all, Dad can’t
drag me outside to teeter precariously
on a ladder hanging tangled icicle lights if I’m holed up in the basement
watching movies, right?).
I’m trying not to read too much into why these movies get to
me… probably because as a former Psych
major, I’m not entirely sure I want to find out why watching Christina
Milian stuck in a snowglobe is so darn entertaining to me.
Even a CCJ (Cheesy
Christmas Junkie) like myself has limits, however. I apologize in advance if this ruins any of
your favorite holiday classics, but THESE are the types of movies that even I
cannot stand:
1.
Someone dies and comes back to life/is a ghost/is an angel and then becomes real
(etc.)
a.
What’s so
bad about these? “It’s a Wonderful Life” is a classic and it involves angels,
you may argue. This is true. And I adore
IAWL.
Heck, even the Bible’s Christmas Special involves angels (kind of a
crucial part of the story) and I have no issue with this.
The main difference is this: in these stories, there is no false hope that angels, ghosts,
loved ones, former pets, and/or snowmen can really come back to life. (Jack Frost is a double-whammy, where
some kid’s dead dad comes back. As. A. SNOWMAN. Barf.)
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and not even a cute snowman...
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What kind of message does this send to the intended audience kids
who watch these? “Well, if you wish hard enough, you CAN will your lost loved
ones to come back to life because Christmas is magic. If that doesn’t work,
then nothing is ever worth believing in, so you might as well stop now and
become a bitter and hardened Scrooge.” Ho
ho ho, boys and girls.
2.
Neighbors compete in Home Improvement-esque holiday
light contests, disasters ensue around every corner. This spirit of
competitive catastrophes extends to movies based around getting a specific toy at all costs.
a.
So many things to have an issue with here. My main beef is that they’re simply not funny. Sure, I howled at Tim Taylor
when he would fall off his roof and nearly electrocute himself with enough
lights to be seen from space. The key differences:
i.
Home
Improvement was a sitcom, therefore only lasted 20 minutes. Any kind of
disaster that lasts longer just makes me cringe and feel embarrassed/mortally wounded for the characters
ii.
In a sitcom, there is a pre-established context and
characters that you already know and
like. Sorry movie characters, but if
you are a competitive jerk from the get-go, I’m not going to enjoy the next 90
minutes.
iii.
People who waste
thousands of dollars on holiday decorations and electric bills when others
are barely making ends meet just frustrate me.
b.
As for the toy part… well no offense, but it’s their
own darn fault for A) waiting until the
last minute to get the year’s hottest toy and B) for raising a spoiled brat who wouldn’t be grateful for anything except
that ONE toy. Plus, Arnold Schwarzenegger cannot act. (The whole consumerism focus
of the holiday is its own soapbox, which I won’t get into here)
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1996 was a dark year for Christmas movies
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3.
Divorced parents get back together because it’s Christmas magic and mistletoe has superpowers.
a.
Again, let’s think about the kids who may
actually be in a similar position and still naïve enough to think that movies
reflect real life. It’s not okay to give them false hope that their parents
will/should be back together just because it’s Christmas. Ditto goes for movies
where kids ask Santa for a new mom/dad
after their other parent dies/abandons them/joins Witness Protection. That’s
just weird. Kids are not matchmakers,
thank goodness. Half of the world would
be trying to set their parents up with Buzz
Lightyear or something.
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But Mom, he was Toy Story's Most Eligible Bachelor 3 years in a row!
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Also, if anyone ever tried to make me kiss
an ex just because we happened to be standing
under the same dead plant, I’d probably toss my Lactaid Egg Nog in their holly jolly face. Just sayin.
4.
The last one is tiny, and not necessarily a
deal-breaker—more of a pet peeve:
when kids have to convince the world that Santa exists. Why do parents/Hollywood plant that seed of
doubt in little kids’ minds in the first place?? And finally, it really bugs me
when Santa (who the child has proved is real) then brings presents like puppies and parents don’t pull their spouse
into the kitchen to yell at them and
ask what possessed them to buy a living creature without discussing it with
them first, they both accuse each other of doing it, and fight for the next two hours. No, instead they ooh and ahh at the cute mystery pet who is now piddling on their
Persian carpet. It’s just so unrealistic.
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Oh wait... I think I get it actually.
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And yes, the only logical flaw I can find in these movies is the fact that the
characters don’t argue like normal people would… not the portrayal of Santa or
elves or magic or Christmases that always have snow.
They say the first step to recovery is
acknowledging you have a problem…
Merry Christmas, Happy Hannukah, Happy
Kwanzaa, Merry Festivus, and Happy Sunday to you and your family. I hope it is filled with good food, memories,
and blessings galore.
