Total redo of the houuuuuuse

I hope you read the title of this post to the tune of "Total Eclipse of the Heart." If not, please go back and reread accordingly.

This spring and summer my family spent a good chunk of money, energy, time, and peace of mind redoing the majority of our house, due in large part to our friends over at Leaky Pipes, Inc. (Their slogan is "Ruining houses and summer vacations since 1901!" Catchy, amiright?).

Basically, this involved packing up everything in our dining room, living room, basement, and upstairs bathroom while coordinating our family's busy schedule with several contractors and a finicky insurance company who has since learned to screen our calls.


once you stop costing an arm and a leg to insure, that is
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So, in true Dr. Spin fashion, my sisters and I had the brilliant idea of seizing this opportunity and finally getting around to redecorate the living and dining rooms. Painting two square, empty rooms? Easy peasy. I've watched countless HGTV and TLC home improvement shows while bumming around job hunting-- how hard could this be?

HA! First of all, let me just put a blanket precaution out there: if you have perfectionist and/or overachieving tendencies do not, I repeat DO NOT, even entertain the idea of doing your own redecorating project. The money you spend on hiring someone else to do it will be far less than the amount you will spend on wine therapy, chiropractors, wrinkle cream and hair dye to cover the effects of the stress-- on top of the outrageous amount of supplies you will undoubtedly need (to which our good friend Stephane at Lowes can attest).

No one likes an enabler, Stephane

Remember the show Trading Spaces? Where two sets of neighbors stupidly bravely trust each other to redecorate a room in each other's house in 2 days, with only $1000 to spend? LIES. The people at TLC must have hired the propaganda department from Soviet Russia or something because I cannot fathom what part of this fantasy concept even remotely qualifies as "reality" tv.  It has been several MONTHS since we unwittingly took on this project and the end is just now peeking over the horizon.

Consider this a public service announcement: don't be fooled by hunky tv carpenters-- even if they are former J.Crew models-- who tell you DIY is easy/cheaper than hiring a professional.

Ty Pennington sits on a throne of lies
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If you do insist on ignoring my hard-earned wisdom and jumping on the DIY bandwagon, here's a handy To Do list for painting a room:

1. Spend at least a week picking a paint color [aka convince parents to consider something other than the 18 shades of white they selected]


2. Buy paint and supplies


3. Remember all of the things you left off the list and go back to the store [repeat 4x]


4. Wash the walls, put down drop cloths, tape every inch of trim


5. Develop irreversible crick in your neck [aka paint the ceiling]


6. Prime the now-clean walls [twice, if your walls are jerks like ours]


7. Ruin outfit by covering in paint [bonus points if you ruin shoes by stepping in paint tray]


8. Watch paint dry


9. Paint the walls [as you're doing this, suddenly realize you now hate the color]


10. Remove tape [freak out about every spot you missed]


11. Retape every inch of the room so you can paint the trim


12. Paint the trim [preferably while further aggravating your now-aching back]


13. Retouch the wall paint where you got trim paint on it


14. Retouch the trim where you got wall paint on it


15. Retouch the ceiling where you got wall and/or trim paint on it


16. Retouch the wall and/or trim where you got ceiling paint on it


17. Go insane

**Also, since this will likely take place over the course of several days, insert "Spend hour cleaning brushes" in between every other step.

OR you could do yourself, your family, and everyone who has to put up with your Facebook statuses a favor and look up "Contractor" in your local yellow pages. Then sit back, relax, and enjoy the hunky "reality" tv carpenters in your immaculately decorated room. Your choice.