Where do you go, my lovely? Where do you go?

The title of this blog post, aside from being one of the most annoying best '90s club/dance hits, is talking to 2011... where the heck did it go??? I swear it just started about a month ago. I feel like I didn't get anything done!!!

Some people love New Year's.  I, however, have had mixed feelings about it ever since preschool. 

I know, I know. "Umm why are you telling us about preschool, Molly?"

Because I'm the blogger that's why, punk.

Also, preschool was when I realized that each year only came ONCE. EVER.  For some reason my four year-old brain just assumed that once we got to the end of the 1990s, the decade would just start over and.... hey, welcome back 1990! Good to see you again!

[In my defense, I suffered a lot of traumatic brain injuries in my youth (clumsiness + 2 siblings big enough to push you around = a girl who spells her own name wrong until kindergarten), so the cognitive skills may have been delayed/damaged a bit.]

But I digress. 

So ever since Mrs. Hill informed me that we would never EVER get to use our 1991 calendar again, New Year's has been somewhat bittersweet in my opinion. 

Yes, we're welcoming a brand spankin new year of possibilities and opportunities.

Yes, we (adults) have a paid day off work and have an excuse to party all night long if we want.

Yes, we're getting older and (hopefully) wiser.

Yes, we get to buy a new spiffy planner and/or page-a-day calendar of crosswords.

But the new year comes with a lot of pressure.  It's almost as if the universe is saying, "Welp you didn't really do much last year, so you BETTER make this one count! Or else." 

And yes, in my universe, I am Mr. Miyagi. Got a problem with that?
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I personally don't like making New Years resolutions. Who wants to end a year feeling like a failure? No thank you, I don't need resolutions for that.  But for 2012, I am going to issue myself a personal challenge:

Record and reflect on the accomplishments I make throughout the year.  I know I accomplished a LOT in 2011-- Master's degree, first job, mastering the art of driving, etc.-- but is that what I focus on this week? Of course not.  Instead, it's back to the usual "oh woe is me, another year closer to wrinkles and gray hair and I have nothing to show for myself except a $35k piece of paper diploma."

No mas. In 2012, I challenge myself (and those of you reading this) to take some time to write down your achievements-- however big or small-- and indulge in a little pat on the back instead of focusing on the things you didn't do.  Every year doesn't have to be full of Oscars and Pulitzer prizes and BEST DAY EVERs... as long as you are proud of what you've been able to do and the person you've become, I'd say that's a pretty darn fantastic year.

Cheers, and best wishes for 2012.

Have a holly jolly molly Christmas

It has been AGES since I wrote a blog… so sorry, friends! Trust me, there have been plenty of life events and random rants that have crossed my mind over the last 2 months, but somehow just never made it to the keyboard.  Don’t worry, this steel trap has remembered them all and will probably be writing blogs on a near-daily basis while I’m stuck at work and all you school personnel are enjoying your cushy 2-week breaks. (Nope, not bitter at all)

I love this time of year—people are generally friendlier, families get together, and everyone slacks off takes time to relax.  It’s also the time of year when indulging in guilty pleasures is fairly socially acceptable.  For some people, this means boozing it up at holiday parties (more on this topic later).  For others, it means throwing caution and the food pyramid to the wind and eating copious amounts of cookies.  Still others see this as a time of year to shop til they drop, regardless of what those credit card bills may say.  It’s ok, we all have our vices. What is my holiday vice, you may ask? (I’m assuming you did since you’re still reading.)

Cheesy holiday movies—the Hallmark-ier, the better.  Lifetime, ABC Family, and the Hallmark movie channel have played a crucial role in enabling this addiction of mine with their 25 Days of Endless Movie Marathons. 

I don’t know what it is about these movies—which I am fully aware are really, really terrible in almost every dimension—that is so addicting. Perhaps it is seeing families that are inevitably crazier than mine still manage to pull off a fun and memorable Christmas, while making me feel more normal. Maybe it’s due to the fact that they help me get in the holiday spirit no matter what is going on at home/work. I think these movies serve as a form of escapism (after all, Dad can’t drag me outside to teeter precariously on a ladder hanging tangled icicle lights if I’m holed up in the basement watching movies, right?).

I’m trying not to read too much into why these movies get to me… probably because as a former Psych major, I’m not entirely sure I want to find out why watching Christina Milian stuck in a snowglobe is so darn entertaining to me.

Even a CCJ (Cheesy Christmas Junkie) like myself has limits, however.  I apologize in advance if this ruins any of your favorite holiday classics, but THESE are the types of movies that even I cannot stand:

1.       Someone dies and comes back to life/is a ghost/is an angel and then becomes real (etc.)

a.       What’s so bad about these? “It’s a Wonderful Life” is a classic and it involves angels, you may argue.  This is true. And I adore IAWL.  Heck, even the Bible’s Christmas Special involves angels (kind of a crucial part of the story) and I have no issue with this.

The main difference is this: in these stories, there is no false hope that angels, ghosts, loved ones, former pets, and/or snowmen can really come back to life. (Jack Frost is a double-whammy, where some kid’s dead dad comes back. As. A. SNOWMAN. Barf.)

and not even a cute snowman...
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What kind of message does this send to the intended audience kids who watch these? “Well, if you wish hard enough, you CAN will your lost loved ones to come back to life because Christmas is magic. If that doesn’t work, then nothing is ever worth believing in, so you might as well stop now and become a bitter and hardened Scrooge.”  Ho ho ho, boys and girls.

2.       Neighbors compete in Home Improvement-esque holiday light contests, disasters ensue around every corner. This spirit of competitive catastrophes extends to movies based around getting a specific toy at all costs.

a.       So many things to have an issue with here.  My main beef is that they’re simply not funny. Sure, I howled at Tim Taylor when he would fall off his roof and nearly electrocute himself with enough lights to be seen from space.  The key differences:

                                                               i.      Home Improvement was a sitcom, therefore only lasted 20 minutes. Any kind of disaster that lasts longer just makes me cringe and feel embarrassed/mortally wounded for the characters

                                                             ii.      In a sitcom, there is a pre-established context and characters that you already know and like.  Sorry movie characters, but if you are a competitive jerk from the get-go, I’m not going to enjoy the next 90 minutes.

                                                            iii.      People who waste thousands of dollars on holiday decorations and electric bills when others are barely making ends meet just frustrate me.

b.      As for the toy part… well no offense, but it’s their own darn fault for A) waiting until the last minute to get the year’s hottest toy and B) for raising a spoiled brat who wouldn’t be grateful for anything except that ONE toy. Plus, Arnold Schwarzenegger cannot act. (The whole consumerism focus of the holiday is its own soapbox, which I won’t get into here)

1996 was a dark year for Christmas movies
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3.       Divorced parents get back together because it’s Christmas magic and mistletoe has superpowers.

a.       Again, let’s think about the kids who may actually be in a similar position and still naïve enough to think that movies reflect real life. It’s not okay to give them false hope that their parents will/should be back together just because it’s Christmas. Ditto goes for movies where kids ask Santa for a new mom/dad after their other parent dies/abandons them/joins Witness Protection. That’s just weird. Kids are not matchmakers, thank goodness.  Half of the world would be trying to set their parents up with Buzz Lightyear or something.

But Mom, he was Toy Story's Most Eligible Bachelor 3 years in a row!
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Also, if anyone ever tried to make me kiss an ex just because we happened to be standing under the same dead plant, I’d probably toss my Lactaid Egg Nog in their holly jolly face.  Just sayin.

4.       The last one is tiny, and not necessarily a deal-breaker—more of a pet peeve: when kids have to convince the world that Santa exists.  Why do parents/Hollywood plant that seed of doubt in little kids’ minds in the first place?? And finally, it really bugs me when Santa (who the child has proved is real) then brings presents like puppies and parents don’t pull their spouse into the kitchen to yell at them and ask what possessed them to buy a living creature without discussing it with them first, they both accuse each other of doing it, and fight for the next two hours. No, instead they ooh and ahh at the cute mystery pet who is now piddling on their Persian carpet. It’s just so unrealistic. 

Oh wait... I think I get it actually.
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And yes, the only logical flaw I can find in these movies is the fact that the characters don’t argue like normal people would… not the portrayal of Santa or elves or magic or Christmases that always have snow.

They say the first step to recovery is acknowledging you have a problem…

Merry Christmas, Happy Hannukah, Happy Kwanzaa, Merry Festivus, and Happy Sunday to you and your family.  I hope it is filled with good food, memories, and blessings galore.

I wanna be a star, I wanna be in movies

Exciting news, which you probably already know: Chris was cast as an extra in a movie!!!!  He's going to be in the new Spielberg movie, Lincoln, which also happens to star the last Mohican Daniel Day Lewis.

AKA the second-best looking white man/Native American sympathizer. After Sully, of course.
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Now, how does one react when they find out that someone they love accomplishes such an awesome and exciting once-in-a-lifetime opportunity?  Well, I don't want to say that either Chris or I are dramatic or that we immediately assumed that he is going to have a huge part and be a famous movie star....  soooooo I guess I'll have to show you our gchat instead:

Chris: WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

  I just got called for the Lincoln Movie!!!!!

  BOOOOYAH!

me: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Chris: This motha f#%^er is gunna be famous son!!!! 

[We were already excitedly talking on the phone before I noticed that he called me 'son.' Hmm.]

We then made a bet about how many "likes" and comments there would be on his ecstatic facebook status.

2003 called, they want their "Booyah!" back.

I know, I know. Please don't be intimidated by our extremely mature, adult, and not-at-all competitive relationship.

(Also, I totally won the bet.)

But OF COURSE we didn't have delusions of grandeur about how much screen time he'd get/how his acting career would be launched into the stratosphere/how I'd get to be a movie star's girlfriend....

Ok, maybe a little...
Hey, dream big or go home.

Congratulations Chris!

So proud of you and can't wait to see you in action on the battlefield/accepting that Oscar!

Just remember who got one first ;)

I've been everywhere, man

So sorry for taking such a long hiatus from le blog! The past few weeks have been a whirlwind of exciting events, coordinating travel plans, and working extra hours since I technically don't get vacation time at work. (#newbie problem)

What have I been up to, you ask? To find out, please make sure your seats and tray tables are in their upright and locked positions, and make sure your seatbelt is securely fastened.

The emergency exit is located at the top right of your browser.
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My long weekend began with me taking the the Metro from work to the Amtrak station on Thursday. My grad school friends nicknamed me the "Metro Queen" due to my hearty endorsement and masterful usage of the D.C. public transit system.

What can I say? I started young.

But in all the times I've ridden the Metro, I don't think I've ever seen anyone I know on a train.

THIS time (of course when I am laden down with a giant magenta suitcase, a heavy briefcase stuffed to the gills with work I probably won't be doing over the weekend, a brown-bag dinner thoughtfully provided by my sister, and quite possibly the kitchen sink), I had just maneuvered into a seat when I looked up and saw a guy who looked exactly like one of my Longwood classmates.


Hm. I'll have to tell Todd he has a long-lost twin in DC! I thought to myself.
 Aww look, Todd's twin is friendly like him, because he's making eye contact and smiling at me across the train. And saying hi. And motioning for me to come over. And.... wait a second! It IS Todd! 


(Pretty sure the only reason people think I'm somewhat intelligent is because I don't say half of the things that go through my head...)

So that was a fun start to the trip, running into an old friend. I'm sure the old man whose toes got run over by my rolling wardrobe suitcase when I changed seats didn't necessarily agree, but Todd and I enjoyed catching up!

Fast-forward one Amtrak ride to Richmond, a good night's sleep, and a drive/ride to Longwood on Friday morning.

Chris was invited to represent the Class of 2009 at the Inauguration of our alma mater's 25th president, Patrick Finnegan, which is a huge honor (for him as an alum, and me as a dorky proud girlfriend/alum). 

So suave. So distinguished. So blurry.

We had a very nice luncheon before the ceremony and got to chat with some fellow alumni representatives, professors, and delegates from Longwood's sister universities, which was really nice.

(Though I must say, one drawback of attending a formerly all-female institution is that the alumni association is made up primarily of little old ladies with tiny bladders... which translates to rather long lines for the restroom. Whatever, they were adorable.)


The inauguration ceremony was even better than expected. Since Chris was sitting with all the important people, I sat with one of my sorority sisters who was there as a guest too. She was gracious enough to not make fun of my audible stomach growls during the ceremony (sorry, but this stomach will never be content with salad as an entree).

The speeches were entertaining, the president was humble, and the alumni were proud.  But the highlight of the afternoon was this quote from President Finnegan:

"Is today a great day to be a Lancer or what? The weather is beautiful here in Farmville, I've got a new job, some new threads, and best of all, some serious bling!"

Damn, it feels good to be a Lancer

After the ceremony, we got to chat with former professors, the few current students we know (since we're SO OLD and everything, ha!), and wait in line to get our picture taken with PFinn.

Does he or does he not, look like a Leprechaun? An awesome Leprechaun, that is.

We also found Chris's long-lost twin:

Boss. Hugo Boss.

 And creeped on the Pats: former president Patricia Cormier and current president Patrick Finnegan.

"No Patti, you CAN'T have your old job back! Stop pestering me woman!"

After a delicious dinner and a 20 oz of pure tequila margarita at the new Mexican restaurant in town, we headed back to Richmond to pack for the next leg of our journey: Tampa!

And by "pack," I of course mean "watch a sci-fi movie and two college football games". Naturally.

Which may have been why we had to get up at 3:00 am to get ready for our 6:25 flight.

I won't bore you with all the nitty-gritty details, but things got a little nervewracking as we were running late, (in large part due to VDOT closing bridges and roads all willy-nilly)... especially since Chris was expected to be a groomsman in his sister's wedding that afternoon.  For the record, I remained-- quite uncharacteristically-- as cool as a cucumber throughout the craziness.

Thankfully we made our flight. Although my traveling companion could have been a tad more entertaining...

I'll let you guess who did not spend the layover consuming their bodyweight in caffienated beverages.

Sorry this is the longest post ever.  Next post will be about the beautiful wedding and sightseeing in Tampa! :)  

Your mama warned you there'd be days like these

I don't know about you folks, but it sure has been one of those days for me.

Not the fun, nostalgic "those were the days" type, or even the blase, indifferent "meh, just one of those days" kind of day.

No my friends. It was one of THOSE days.

One of those days in which a person is hard-pressed to keep hold of their sanity-- let alone their sense of humor.

Someone experiencing one of these days also may or may not lose sight of the fact that the world is probably not devoting all of its energy to the sole task of ruining one’s life just for kicks and giggles.

(Clearly, there’s a reason the world is out to get you. Murder. Tax evasion. Failure to return a chain letter in 4th grade. Things of that nature, I’m sure).

What contributes to one of THOSE days, you ask? Here are a few examples that are, of course, completely fictional and certainly did not happen to me today:

• Mondays. Fairly self-explanatory.
• Also, the Word of the Day email was totally lame today. Strike 2.
• Facing an extra-long workday. On a Monday.
• Granted, it’s because you have to make up hours for the days you’ll be on vacation, but let’s not split hairs here people. Focus.

• Sitting through an hour-long meeting where the main item on the agenda is to inform you and your boss that you’re doing pretty much everything wrong.
• Tragically, everyone in the room appears to be suffering from amnesia, as they all forget that they're the ones who taught you how to complete the project.
• Having to stop what you’re doing to redo work you thought you’d finally finished a week ago
• Thankfully your computer breaks up the monotony by freezing while you're in the middle of an important task.
• You have a minor coronary panic attack but finally get the computer unstuck… when it decides to update and restart immediately, causing you to lose everything you’d accomplished over the last 45 minutes
• WHY is auto-save NOT a standard feature? And we’re supposed to believe that Bill Gates is a genius. Psh.
• Speaking of geniuses: you meet with your boss several times and walk around the office for 4.5 hours without realizing that your zipper is undone.  And you’re wearing bright orange underwear.
• Awesome.

Everyone has days like these, right? Right?!?

Are things like this relatively minor in the grand scheme of things? Yes. Could life be much, much worse? Yes. Will we survive? Yes. Should we be thankful for all the great things we do have? Yes.

But when you're in the midst of it, it feels like there's no way out of the universe's diabolical plot to make you miserable.

Hopefully you have friends/family like mine who will listen to you complain for a little bit and end up making you smile, feel a bit better, and help you get on with your life.  (And, hello, if you're reading this I'm assuming we're good enough friends to be GChat contacts... which is quite the exclusive list. I'm here for ya buddy!)

But for those days when even a hug and all the complaining in the world just aren't cutting it, I leave you this video:




If watching Phoebe try to play the guitar with her teeth doesn't make you at least crack a smile... it's time to call a professional.

Holiday... Celebrate...

As you know, my house is still in the stages of reconstruction from our DIY summer projects.  Many buried treasures have been found throughout the unpacking process:

--My grandfather's harmonica

(which I fully intend to learn to play, in case I meet Tom Petty & he wants to jam)

--An engraved cup with my birthdate, weight, height etc

(telling everyone I was a chunkster... apparently low self-esteem was on the registry?)

--A pamphlet detailing the secret to a happy marriage

(there will be an entire blog post about this coming soon) 

and countless other artifacts that had been tucked away for quite some time.

Aside from providing comedic relief to us weary unpaid laborers and offering rather enlightening information about our parents' lives BC (before children), some of these antiques are pretty awesome and still useful today. Case in point: The Art of Mixing Drinks.

This book-- with its 1,000 recipes for alcoholic drinks-- was originally published in 1957, when drinking during the middle of the day, at the office, or while pregnant were all socially acceptable practices.

Those were the days, amiright?
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In addition to providing readers with super-complex recipes such as Whiskey Mist: 1.5 oz whiskey, lemon peel. Pour Whiskey over ice. Add lemon peel. [Call me crazy, but I think that's just whiskey with a garnish...], the last 9 pages of the book are entitled 365 Reasons for a Party.

Jackpot.

Needless to say, my sister and I had a blast going through these. Our first thought was to look up today's date... and wouldn't you know it, we just missed celebrating the anniversary of Arkansas' Tribute to a Mule Pageant.

Worst pageant title. EVER.

Forget Columbus Day, THIS is a reason to celebrate. Already planning for next year.

Next task: see what "holidays" fall on our birthdays... this is where it started to get weird, folks.

Eileen's (February 8th): Anniversary of the N.Y. Dog Show

Bella Rafferty is our resident mutt and she approves of this sign.
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Dad's (April 11th): Anniversary of FDR's increase of the National Debt Limit

My dad is one of the cheapest... er, thriftiest people I've ever met. Which makes this even funnier.
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Chris's (May 4th): Rhode Island Independence Day

R.I is so hipster, they celebrated independence before it was mainstream.
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Mine (July 21st): Anniversary of Belgian Independence

Why yes, I will raise a glass to any country who can cleverly fit a beer stein into their national flag.
Op uw gezondheid!
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Erin's (September 14th): Anniversary of the Gregorian Calendar

You now have a foolproof way to remember which days have 30/31 days... and an awesome party trick.
You're welcome. Also, those are supposed to be knuckles, fyi.
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Mom's (October 27th): First mink bottle opener appears

Not even kidding, this is what popped up when I googled "mink bottle opener"...
Raise your hand if you're glad you didn't grow up in the '50s.
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Dave [Eileen's bf] (December 28th): Holy Innocent's Day

Riiiight.

I will scan and upload the full list for you guys soon... in the meantime, go forth and party hard on these ridiculous holidays, just as your grandparents did back in the day.

P.S. To all of my sorority sisters: according to this book, October 20th is the Alpha Delta Pi Alumnae Meeting... reunion party, anyone?

Jingle all the way...

Has anyone else noticed that hardly anyone makes their own commercial jingles these days? Seriously, think about it. How many companies can you automatically sing their original tune/catchy phrase?  I can only think of four:

1.  Subway $5 Footlongs

C'mon, you know it's catchy

2.  Eastern Motors

Although I have no idea what this company does, I do know that your job’s your credit

3.  Free Credit Report.com

Mostly the pirate one, the others not so much

4.  Cotton commercials

I’m pretty sure a polyester blend is the fabric of my life… it won’t shrink in the dryer. But darn it if Zooey Deschanel singing this little ditty doesn't haunt my dreams.

Now think back to when you were a kid. EVERYTHING had a jingle! I could probably rattle off about 8 without even breaking a sweat:

1.   Goldfish

2.   Band-aid

3.   Invisible fencing

4.   Upton’s

5.   Ross

6.   Old navy performance fleece

7. Bagel Bites

8. Mentos

9.   Fruit stripes gum

10.   Doublemint gum

11. Big Red gum

btw, how did the gum industry go from jingles galore to Orbit’s lame “dirty mouth” gimmick? Tragedy.

This brings me to my soap box of the day: why do ad execs feel the need to hijack ACTUAL songs instead of being creative and making up a jingle themselves?

Granted, there are always exceptions, but 99% of the time I am-- to say the least-- peeved by advertisements featuring some of my favorite songs.

1. Journey-  Any Way You Want It (some truck company)

 Customizing a truck... any way you want it. Clever.

2. Bob Seger- Like a Rock (Chevy)

Trucks are strong. And big. We get it.

3. Tina Turner- Simply the Best (Chevy)

Again with the trucks? Stop trying to convince us gas guzzlers are better.. or at least use country songs to appeal to your actual demographic

4. Charles Wright- Express Yourself (Coffee-Mate)

Sorry, but the only thing I think about when I'm getting coffee is how soon the caffiene will be kicking in... now how my choice of creamer will make me unique.

4. Beatles- Come Together (AT&T)

Sigh.

5. Heart- What about Love? (SWIFFER?!?!?!)

No. Sacrilege. Anthropomorphized pieces of dirt finding love with a mop? It makes absolutely no sense. I am enraged every time the commercials air.

The goddesses of rock are not amused either.
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Ok, enough ranting from me... we can all agree that all of these are terrible misuses of classic songs. And yet, Old Navy just HAD to go and up the ante recently by not only jacking an American musical legend... but they also had the nerve to butcher the lyrics into their own “jingle.”

Tiffany- I think we’re Alone Now (Old Navy) I’m Wearing a New Blouse????  (If you're feeling brave, watch below)

Stop. The. Madness.

Tiffany only had one hit… don’t take away her last shred of dignity masterpiece!!!!!

Side note: what happened to all those poor, unemployed jingle-writers who used to work for ad companies? Are they now seeking small, quaint towns like Stars Hollow where they can be the town Minstrel? Singing outside of coffee shops a la Phoebe Buffay? Eating nothing but their lifetime supply of Rice-a-Roni, the San Fransisco treat?

Or maybe they’re living the high life off the royalties from their #1 hit song “Break me off a piece of that Kit Kat Bar!”… hey, it could happen. [McWorld!]