London Calling

'ello mates! I'm in a British kind of mood today. Not sure if this is due to the gross/rainy weather outside, learning that my long-standing crush Prince "Pretty Cute for a Ginger" Harry is dating someone named Mollie, or the fact that I have entirely too much time on my hands (or all of the above).

Although I don't condone the British devil-may-care attitude regarding important issues such as democracy, orthodontia, or pronounciation of the word 'schedule,' I do enjoy their dry sense of humor, excellent television programs, and ability to drive on the wrong left side of the road. Even their names are entertaining.


"Yes, that's Ulrike Lemmin-Woolfrey. Spelled the usual way, of course."
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Plus you have to admit that with those accents they can pretty much say whatever the heck they want and still sound cooler than most Americans, amiright?

Unless I was a Traveller on "My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding." Definite dealbreaker.
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Cool-sounding though it may be, British English is full of some pretty quirky slang that can make listening to their conversations kind of confusing for us Yanks. I used to be practically fluent in British thanks to homebound schooling, Harry Potter books, and the BBC America channel... but am pretty rusty these days.

Seeing as the Olympics in London are quickly approaching (100 days, people!), I decided it is high time to start brushing up on some "Britishisms" and encourage you all to do the same.  Hopefully with a little practice we'll be able to understand what the heck the Beckhams commentators are saying and enjoy those cheeky Brits this summer (as we cheer for the USA of course).

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Remediation began today with reading British news websites-- and even though I was reading the headlines in a British accent (as one does), not a whole lot of it made sense. And by that I mean almost none of it. Don't believe me? See for yourself. Below are a handful of my favourite headlines... let me know if you have a translation/explanation...

 This would probably be more impressive if we understood any of these units.
How much is a Pound (money) in dollars? How much is a kg in pounds (weight)?
Ugh, brain freeze.
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Jeez, their SexEd programs are seriously progressive over there...
what's that? Ah. Apparently 'rubber' means 'eraser.' Duly noted.
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I say old chap, I do hate when that happens. As does my dustman.
(Ed. note: wtf is a dustman?)
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Something something Cute Soccer Player Ronaldo something something
(I got the most important part right at least)
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Dwarves and chastity belt party?
Must be a little-known term for "high tea" or something.

But seriously... how much IS a Pound?
And why is everyone so pale if they have beaches there?
So. Many. Questionssss.
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And finally:

What the.... whatnow?!  I don't.... I can't even....
This seriously sounds like a drunken Mad Libs game.
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Well folks, I tried.

Judging by these headlines and the fact that comprehension of even the most proper British spoken on Downton Abbey often requires closed captions... I'm not sure we'll ever understand these people.  Looks like we're stuck listening to the same boringly American-accented Olympics coverage from Bob Costas again. Bloody hell.