You Got Me Trippin, Stumblin....

Well, it was a good run folks. Sadly, my streak of 24 years without a trip to the hospital has finally come to an end.  Since I'm the youngest child and my mom never made me a Baby Book, I will have to document this momentous occasion on Le Blog. Enjoy.

It all began two days ago. Like most normal 24 year-olds, I was enjoying a rip-roaring Friday evening at my parents' house.  I realized it was time for "Say Yes To the Dress: Bridesmaids" and set forth to watch it in the basement where there is cable TV.

At the top of the stairs, I decided to conserve energy by turning off the hall light. Unbeknownst to me, an unused plastic trash bag had fallen onto the second step (which I was now unable to see thanks to my hippie father's influence). For some reason, I was also uncharacteristically wearing socks. (Note: the following sequence of events will be cited in the future every time my mother tells me I shouldn't walk around barefoot.)

Let's recap:
Darkness + Socks + Deadly Slippery Trash Bag = Molly falling down a flight of stairs

The stairs from The Exorcist have now been demoted to
"Second-Scariest Staircase in the Greater Washington DC area"

As I was crashing like a herd of rhinoceri falling daintily, I couldn't help but feel indignant that my life wasn't flashing before my eyes. Isn't being scared out of your mind supposed to go hand-in-hand with a comforting, well-soundtracked montage of your life?

Apparently not. All I could think as I was hurtling toward the bottom of the steps was, "Good Lord, when did we get SO MANY friggin stairs?!" 

No montage whatsoever. What a rip-off. I blame Hollywood for perpetuating this myth. What's next, I'm going to find out that God doesn't really look or sound like Morgan Freeman?

Is nothing sacred to you people??
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But I digress. So I landed in a heap, thankfully not crushing my work laptop that I'd been carrying... although tragically losing the piece of carrot cake I'd planned on eating. Dagger!

After interrupting my family's viewing of NCIS: Los Angeles and most likely scaring them half to death, they helped me establish that all of my limbs seemed to be functioning relatively well and I was in fact still breathing. I decided not to go to the Emergency Room that night-- partly because I thought the pain would subside and partly because I figured it would be rather embarrassing to write "tripping" on the Reason for Visit form.

With my luck, I'd have to explain my clumsiness to some hottie doctors like these two.
I'll work through the pain, thankyouverymuch.
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However, the next day I was still seriously hurting. Given my history of back issues, Dr. Mom and I concluded that getting X-rayed at the Walk-In Clinic would be a logical next step...... but I definitely did not anticipate the Walk-In Clinic staff weighing me, listening to my story, and immediately sending me to the ER. Ohhh hey, PANIC MODE.

Thankfully my oldest sister Eileen was with me and kept my mind off the fact that A) we were most likely going to miss our dad's 60th birthday bowling party and B) I was probably already paralyzed (good thing I'm not prone to overreaction or anything).

Calm, Cool, Collected.
(Read: Sweating bullets)

My partner in crime kept me talking and laughing throughout all the waiting, didn't laugh at how nervous I was, carried my purse, and shared her iPhone to keep me entertained... basically she was a great big sister, as always. :-) We actually had a pretty fun time....

....except for the part when the Triage nurse looked at my list of prescriptions and said, "Whoa, this is a LOT of medicine." (Thanks Tracy, I hadn't noticed that I have to take 10+ medications a day. Moving on.)

Or the part when the young ER doctor looked at the scrape on my back and goes, "WHOA! How did you do this?! Were you drinking??" and I had to answer sheepishly, "Um no, I was at my parents' house..." Even better? They had an intern transcribing our conversation, so my lame weekend evenings are recorded and permanently attached to my medical records. Sweet.

To make a very long story short(ish), I will explain the rest of the afternoon in pictures, graciously staged documented by Eileen. (E, perhaps you should consider a second career in photojournalism!)

"Where is the volume on this thing?
Mob Wives is hard enough to understand even when you can hear them..."

The "CALL FOR HELP" & "CHANGE CHANNEL" buttons are uncomfortably close together.
....or so I tried to explain to the nurse who came rushing in to assist me

Being whisked off to X-rays and CAT scans
AKA reenacting the opening sequence of RESCUE 911

Learning that "make patients hurry up and wait"
is a little-known section of the Hippocratic Oath

Hopefully after spending the last 10 minutes reading through my ramblings, you've realized that I am thankfully A-OK, and decidedly not paralyzed. No broken bones, just some soreness/bruises/scrapes.

Shout out to my guardian angel for once again coming through in the clutch. :-) 

Chickity China the Chinese Chicken

Annnnd you now have "One Week" by the Barenaked Ladies stuck in your head. Boom.

As I was discussing this blog with my new talent manager/financial representative/boyfriend, I told him that sometimes the hardest part is not the writing itself but finding a topic that is equally entertaining to me and to those of you who read it. Do you really care about my disdain for recycled pop song jingles or our home repair calamities?  What if I don’t have any major [read: embarrassing] life events for a while? What material do I draw from then?? Gah, crisis!

He decided to give me a completely random and vague topic to write about just to get the creative juices flowing.  My challenge? Chopsticks.  Yep. That’s all I have to work with here people, one word (depending on your version of Spell Check).

After approximately 1.5 seconds of scornfully thinking what an obnoxious non-topic he’d given me, I realized Chris is actually quite brilliant for coming up with this. Shame on me for doubting him!

I could....

• Write about chopsticks the eating utensil as an economic opportunity and how they are practically an entire kitsch market on their own. Lightsaber chopsticks, say whaaat?

Every well-balanced meal should include a battle between good and evil.
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• Write about the different techniques used when learning to eat with these tricky little buggers (my personal favorite method is having cousins adopted from Asia who, as toddlers, patiently taught their teenage cousins to use them)

Just to be clear, we're *not* supposed to stick them up our nose? Dang.
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• Write about the obnoxious classic song that practically every piano student learns to pound out over and over and over. You know, that song which despite taking 8 years of piano lessons, I have yet to learn because my mother is a piano snob and would’ve had a heart attack if any of her children dared pound anything—let alone a ‘fake’ song—on her prized piano (even though Wikipedia says it's real! *sigh* if only Wiki existed back then). 12 years later and not bitter about that at allllll, don’t worry.

• Write about the various OTHER uses for these contraptions—hair accessory which can either be an homage to the 1990s Asian-goth movement (Buffy, I'm lookin at you), or a potential cache of hidden weapons (I meannnn, who’s going to frisk you hair?! Besides the TSA, that is).

Katy's stylist for the evening was General Tso.
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The possibilities are endless. So thank you, Christopher for helping jump-start this brain of mine back into business.  You’ll be happy to know that as my manager I am offering an extremely generous 10% cut of the blog’s total revenue. Which happens to be nothing, sooo I'll just give you a hearty handshake the next time I see you. Best girlfriend ever?

Also, now I'm hungry. Dagger.

They Fought the Law and the Law Won

So a few weeks ago I got some mail which was a vast improvement over what normally graces my mail slot (student loan bills and requests for money from my alma maters).

Best. Day. Ever.

Most people's reactions to receiving this Summons typically consist of [according to the Orientation video we watched at the Courthouse today]: anger, frustration, annoyance, and/or attempts to quickly plan an international vacation in order to evade having to serve. 

And judging by the eye rolls nods of agreement from my fellow jurors, the basic cable TV actor in the video described their feelings exactly. Needless to say, I was clearly in the minority for looking like this at 8:15 AM as I anxiously awaited my chance to write a best-selling tell-all book carry out justice and fulfill my civic duty:


Bridesmaid dresses fall under the "Courtroom Appropriate Attire" category, right?

So what does serving jury duty consist of, you ask?

1. Sitting in an uncomfortably quiet room with 60 strangers who would rather be somewhere else
2. Watching a cheesy low-budget orientation video narrated by a judge who is roughly 150 years old
3. Reading Anne of Green Gables on your mom's Nook after the lady you try to befriend shushes you (as if they're going to hold you in Contempt of Court for excessive small talk... sheesh).
4. Daydreaming of how you'll spend the big fat check the county will be mailing you in several weeks. $30 bonus, what whaaaat!

Rinse and repeat this cycle for several hours until being told that all of the cases have been settled before going to trial and you're free to go home.

Wait... WHAT??

This is NOT how it happens on Law & Order
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I know. So rude that they did not even give me a chance to put my hundreds of hours of TV watching research to good use. I'd like a refund, Fairfax County.

This being said, courthouses are fantastic places to people watch... just ask the fellow juror who spent 1.5 hours snoring and talking in his sleep, the person walking into the courthouse smoking and smelling distinctly of a non-cigarette smoke (ahem, use your imagination), or the lady loudly complaining that waiting in the cell phone pick-up line was taking longer than the judge had taken to find her guilty.

Yep. Our justice system at its finest. You stay classy, Fairfax County.

Is it bad that I already can't wait to go back?
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Movin' on up

Hello friends! Sometimes the little things in life can make the biggest difference in one's mood, outlook, general attitude, etc.  What kinds of 'little things'? In my case, a simple location change at work.

Also, surprise flowers delivered to the office by my wonderful boyfriend... aw shucks!

When I first started working, there were no free offices or cubicles soI was shuffled from office to office, depending on who was working from home on a particular day.  It was stressful-- in large part due to the fact that I've never been good at remembering what day of the week it is. So after  a few days, I settled into what I affectionately call my hallway office. Behold:


Fending off paparazzi has become a big problem at the office lately...

As you can see, it is very spacious but seems to be missing a few... what's the word I'm looking for here? Oh yes: walls.

This tended to get a bit distracting when people would stand in the hallway and have conversations (with or without me), use the communal printers 2 feet from my head, stop to sit and chat, or be a VP with the ability to sneak up behind you completely unheard.

Nope, not on Facebook at work. Who me? What? Huh? I'm innocent I swear!

Fear not my friends, for I have moved up in the working world at long last-- both figuratively and literally. I have an office!!! A few images (before and after) from moving day, labeled for your convenience:


BEFORE: Moving day

AFTER: NEW DIGS!!!!!

Pretty excited about it, in case you couldn't tell!

Moving day had its share of awkward interactions, including the one in which the aforementioned ninja VP yanked the better desk from my new office-mate (who had claimed it with a post-it) and gave it to me instead. Whoops. My b.

But really, considering my two previous workspaces included a TV tray (at my year-long internship) and a hallway desk for 6 months... I think I've earned the people-watching desk & peninsula, don't you think? :)

Hope your week is filled with positive changes... and minimal awkward interactions!

Shot Through the Heart and You're to Blame

Happy Valentine's Day everyone!

How will you be celebrating this year? Allow me to offer you a glimpse into my fabulous evening plans:

Kidding, kidding!
It'll be Lactose-free ice cream, of course.
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Just to clarify, Chris and I celebrated Hallmark's favorite holiday a little early this year (it was also our 3-year anniversary... I know, I know. All together now: "awwww/barf"). 

In addition to having a great time together, I also learned a few things over the weekend.

• Spontaneity does not necessarily equal chaos...  which goes against pretty much everything I believe in. Calendars are made to be color-coded, right?  However, Chris and I had to change our weekend plans at the last minute (camping in 19-degree weather is a little extreme even for us) and we still had a fun-filled and relaxed weekend. Huh. Who'da thunk?

Who me?
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• Having fun doesn't have to cost an arm and a leg, even if it is a holiday. You don't have to belong to AARP to use coupons, watch movies via free Netflix trial accounts instead of movie theaters, or sign up for a Silver Diner rewards card to save $ on your next visit. Nothing says "I love you" like fiscal responsibility.

One day I will torture my children by wearing one of these in public.
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• Playing LaserTag as a non-chaperone/childless adult may result in a few judgemental looks from strangers. And yes, we did play LaserTag on our Valentine's date. Best decision ever? Heck yeah.

It's not my fault we didn't have video games growing up. I am merely a victim of my sheltered upbringing

• My boyfriend is awesome for many reasons, including:
• being a gentleman to the whole family... aka cooking brunch for us. As a guest.
• not being embarassed by his gf's lack of shoot 'em up skills (and only killing me a few times. All's fair in love & LaserTag)
• always being there to balance out my worrywart self and teaching me to chill out
• being patient while I try to make a decision about a movie/restaurant/outfit/anything 
• laughing at and/or making silly jokes
• offering to play Scrabble with Webster because he knows how much I love it
• making conversations interesting, no matter where we go or who we meet... how else would we know where our waitress is from, or that Antigua is in Guatemala?
• being slightly neurotic about backing into parking spaces because it's "easier"

Backing in shaved at least .0003 seconds off our departure time. Whew!

[Ok, I already knew he's terrific. But these points were reiterated this weekend and I felt they were worth mentioning]

• Finally, I learned that the "perfect" Valentine's Day does not mean you necessarily have to reenact the latest Katherine Heigl rom-com or Kay Jeweler's ad...

Don't ever let go, Jack...

         

              .... as long as you get to share it with people you care about.

I hope today is filled with the people you care about, whether they are near or far-- friends, family members, pets, significant others, or Ben and Jerry. Sending you all hugs! xoxo

p.s. One other thing I learned: the "Six-foot, Seven-foot, Eight-foot, hut!" line from Lil Wayne's song 6'7' is originally from the song Day O (The Banana Boat Song).  Please tell me I'm not the only one who didn't know this?!



The times, they are a-changin'

Google.

What a great invention, right? They may be monopolizing the search engine industry (which I normally would not condone), but you have to admit they're pretty much the best of its kind.

Sorry buddy.
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According to a reliable source (the Kane Show on Hot 99.5, obvi), Google is now planning to start personalizing search results for Google+ members by showing results that include friends' posts and pictures.  (Apparently this is a very controversial topic in the technology world)

Although my chauffeur carpool buddy/sister and I were seriously creeped out by this invasion of privacy, I personally find it even creepier that they track your search history and base future results on what you've looked for in the past. MYOB, Google!

Until yesterday, that is. Why? I'll tell you why.

Y? Because we like you!
(Marry me Ryan Gosling)
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Because yesterday while procrastinating researching song lyrics for potential blog titles, I searched for http://www.rapgenius.com/. If you've never been there, go. Right now. I'll wait.

It's a site that magically translates rap lyrics for those of us who may be lacking... shall we say, street smarts.

Obviously not people like me.... you may or may not know this, but I ball so hard.
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Anyway, an hour later shortly thereafter I was back on Google looking for something completely unrelated... or so I thought.

I entered "lyrics speak" (I think I was actually looking for Taylor Swift lyrics... don't judge).  And what did the wizards at Google bring me?  An educational rap teaching kids about public speaking.

Listen to it here in all its glory: http://www.educationalrap.com/song/public-speaking.html

I know, I know. It's amazing. (My favorite line is, of course: "Use vocab. that shows intellect and ambition")

And without the stalkerish genius technology of Google, I never would have known that such gems even existed-- or that there is an entire site of educational raps, for that matter. (To all my teacher friends like KLake, I beg you to use one of these to teach your kids and report back.)

The moral of this story? Even though it's annoying when nerds (who dropped out of college and yet have more money than you can ever dream of making) change around the technology you're used to.... not all change is bad.

Being open to change can bring things you never even knew you needed-- but you now can't live without.

Talkin ‘bout Good Hydratio-onnn!

You know how pretty much every movie or sitcom that takes place in an office setting has a water cooler where everyone gathers to gossip?

"Did you SEE the tie he was wearing yesterday?!"
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I thought those were a Hollywood invention, or a thing of the past that no one really uses anymore—sort of like receptionists or phones with those weird shoulder rests.

Shoulder pads and feathered bangs optional.

Turns out I was wrong—my office has a water cooler! Sadly, no one really gathers around it because it is shoved in the supply room next to a massive shredder (kid you not, I thought it was a refrigerator at first).

On our cooler is a sign which states in no uncertain terms that you are expected to replace the big jug when it is empty (the "OR ELSE" is implied).

Being the nervous newbie conscientious citizen that I am, I took that sign to heart the other day when it looked like the jug was empty.

Big mistake. Huge.
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It's probably easiest to just give you my inner monologue of the fiasco that ensued:

Oh crap, the water jug looks empty and there are only about 15 people in the office today... they'll KNOW it was me if I don't replace it.

But I don't know how to do this... can I even lift one of those jugs? I mean I'm pretty strong... I work out! [musical interlude into LMFAO's "Sexy and I Know It"]

Sorry for party rockin.

Once I stopped singing to myself, I decided it would be smart to get the last few drops out of the jug before taking it off and potentially spilling water all over the place (let's be honest, that WOULD happen to me).

Wait, there's still more water in there. Ok probably just one more cupful and it'll be empty/safe to remove.... No? Ok, just ONE more.... nope.... one more try.....

Fast forward to the part where all of a sudden I have EIGHT cups of water sitting on the counter.

Crapcrapcrapcrapcrap... omg what if someone comes in and sees the crazy lady hoarding the water cups?!

Nothing to see here, folks. Nothing to seee.
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Welp, there's nothing left to do except hydrate, destroy the evidence, replace that darn jug and get the heck outta here as quickly as possible.

Have you ever chugged 5-6 glasses of FREEZING cold water in a very short amount of time? I do not recommend it. Pretty sure my esophagus has frostbite now....

As I was approaching the finish line, in walks a very chatty coworker.

Oh geez. Play it cool, Molly. Just slide gracefully in front of the counter and block the cups from sight. Throat is frozen.... just nod... I'm sure he won't notice... omg why is he giving me that weird look? MOVE ALONG, buddy.

Ok he's gone. Whew. Replace jug... check. Wait. Why is it bubbling like that? Is it going to overflow? I better fill up another cup to make sure it doesn't. Maybe one more just to be safe....

Thankfully my sister and co-worker took a couple of glasses off my hands before I exploded... although they seem to be under the impression that my delivering water will now be a regular occurrence...

Coach, not only will I do it for you, I... I... I... yes, yes, I'll do it for you
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Welcome to my life.

Also, I'M NEVER DRINKING WATER AGAIN.