Jingle all the way...

Has anyone else noticed that hardly anyone makes their own commercial jingles these days? Seriously, think about it. How many companies can you automatically sing their original tune/catchy phrase?  I can only think of four:

1.  Subway $5 Footlongs

C'mon, you know it's catchy

2.  Eastern Motors

Although I have no idea what this company does, I do know that your job’s your credit

3.  Free Credit Report.com

Mostly the pirate one, the others not so much

4.  Cotton commercials

I’m pretty sure a polyester blend is the fabric of my life… it won’t shrink in the dryer. But darn it if Zooey Deschanel singing this little ditty doesn't haunt my dreams.

Now think back to when you were a kid. EVERYTHING had a jingle! I could probably rattle off about 8 without even breaking a sweat:

1.   Goldfish

2.   Band-aid

3.   Invisible fencing

4.   Upton’s

5.   Ross

6.   Old navy performance fleece

7. Bagel Bites

8. Mentos

9.   Fruit stripes gum

10.   Doublemint gum

11. Big Red gum

btw, how did the gum industry go from jingles galore to Orbit’s lame “dirty mouth” gimmick? Tragedy.

This brings me to my soap box of the day: why do ad execs feel the need to hijack ACTUAL songs instead of being creative and making up a jingle themselves?

Granted, there are always exceptions, but 99% of the time I am-- to say the least-- peeved by advertisements featuring some of my favorite songs.

1. Journey-  Any Way You Want It (some truck company)

 Customizing a truck... any way you want it. Clever.

2. Bob Seger- Like a Rock (Chevy)

Trucks are strong. And big. We get it.

3. Tina Turner- Simply the Best (Chevy)

Again with the trucks? Stop trying to convince us gas guzzlers are better.. or at least use country songs to appeal to your actual demographic

4. Charles Wright- Express Yourself (Coffee-Mate)

Sorry, but the only thing I think about when I'm getting coffee is how soon the caffiene will be kicking in... now how my choice of creamer will make me unique.

4. Beatles- Come Together (AT&T)

Sigh.

5. Heart- What about Love? (SWIFFER?!?!?!)

No. Sacrilege. Anthropomorphized pieces of dirt finding love with a mop? It makes absolutely no sense. I am enraged every time the commercials air.

The goddesses of rock are not amused either.
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Ok, enough ranting from me... we can all agree that all of these are terrible misuses of classic songs. And yet, Old Navy just HAD to go and up the ante recently by not only jacking an American musical legend... but they also had the nerve to butcher the lyrics into their own “jingle.”

Tiffany- I think we’re Alone Now (Old Navy) I’m Wearing a New Blouse????  (If you're feeling brave, watch below)

Stop. The. Madness.

Tiffany only had one hit… don’t take away her last shred of dignity masterpiece!!!!!

Side note: what happened to all those poor, unemployed jingle-writers who used to work for ad companies? Are they now seeking small, quaint towns like Stars Hollow where they can be the town Minstrel? Singing outside of coffee shops a la Phoebe Buffay? Eating nothing but their lifetime supply of Rice-a-Roni, the San Fransisco treat?

Or maybe they’re living the high life off the royalties from their #1 hit song “Break me off a piece of that Kit Kat Bar!”… hey, it could happen. [McWorld!]

Ellen Swift

If you had to name two celebrities you'd like to turn into a duet, who would they be? I have too many suggestions, some of which are not limited to human celebrities [Lamb Chop & Miss Piggy... can you imagine the amount of SASS?!], but here is one pairing I ADORE: Ellen DeGeneres and Taylor Swift. Why, you ask?

I love Ellen DeGeneres. She is hysterical for so many reasons:
-- She can't dance very well, but does it anyway
-- Her dry sense of humor & comedic timing
-- She is always thinking of some quirky fun idea
-- Her facial expressions are AMAZING
-- She speaks whale

I also love Taylor Swift. She is adorable for so many reasons:
-- She came to Longwood before hitting it big
-- Her music and music videos are just precious
-- She makes parodies of herself (T.Swizzle, anyone?)
-- She designs and choreographs all her shows, which are spectacular
-- She hair-flipped me in the face at a concert last year-- I'm pretty sure that makes us BFFs.

So when two of my favorite ladies in show business get together, you know it's going to be a good time. Enjoy the following "serious" interview... make sure to watch the entire thing.

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You betta shop around

Shopping. Some love it. Some hate it. Some are addicted to it. Some are rich enough to hire someone else to do it for them.

Where do you fall on this spectrum? I think it is my goal in life to be able to be in the "rich enough to hire someone else to do it for me" category.  [Granted, I would probably still send this employee to go shopping at Target and Old Navy instead of Bergdorf's.]

Seriously though. Shopping can be such a pain. When it is done properly with good (honest!) friends and a specific item to find, it can be a blast. However, it can be incredibly frustrating when you don't know exactly what you need.

Here's how a shopping trip with me usually goes:

Me: Hmm I know I need some clothes but don't know exactly what. Kohl's will have it!

Unsuspecting shopping companion: Oooh fun! I'll come and help!

3 hours, 2 fitting rooms, and 17 gray hairs later....
Me: I don't understand. I've tried on 8 different sizes of the same pants and none of them fit. Do I still have legs? I can't feel them anymore. I'll never wear pants agaaiiinn

Shopping companion: Hey Molly, I found this other pair of pants that looks like it will fit perfectly! Problem solved!

Me: Hmmm. I don't like that button. Let's keep looking.

Shopping companion: *bangs head against wall*

Clearly I am a delight to shop with.

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It's not totally my fault though-- fitting rooms are deceptive. Something can look fantastic on the rack but the second it gets behind those creepy doors with the slats in them, all bets are off. Suddenly the garment changes shape/color/style/size and is completely wrong for you.

The opposite is also true: an item of clothing that looks absolutely perfect in a fitting room often looks completely different in the comfort and non-fluorescent lighting of your own home. How do stores alter their mirrors to trick consumers into thinking clothes look great (and how do I get one of those mirrors?)?



Carnival mirror? Um, this is what we really look like I swear....

All of these frustrations would be solved if you could send someone to a store with a budget, size, and general idea of what to find and have them bring plenty of options to your house.  Then you'd be able to try them on in front of the bathroom mirror you use every day, without worrying about someone stealing your purse or getting evil glares from fitting room attendants who don't like the way you hung up that shirt.

I think it's a genius plan: shopping without all the hassles of actually shopping. So until I save up enough money to hire a personal shopper... are there any volunteers?

Fight for old DC!

Ahhh football season is back again! The time when communities pull together to cheer for their favorite teams, coworkers finally have something to discuss over the water cooler (does anyone work in an office that actually has one of these, btw?), and every fan truly believes that maybe-- just maybe-- this will be the year that their team turns things around and wins the Super Bowl. 

Before we go any further, you should know that I'm a fierce competitor... even in situations that don't necessarily call for actual competition.

Scrabble is a big deal, ok?
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This competitiveness extends to cheering for my favorite teams. One of the worst feelings a fan can experience is knowing that your team isn't good enough to be considered a threat to.... well, pretty much anyone. How depressing is that?

Them: You seem really jazzed about the game. Just another day at the office for us. Ho-hum.

You: Oh yeah?! Wellll.... crap. I got nothin.

Love means never having to say you're sorry for trash talking
p.s. the Redskins totally won that game.

Which brings me to the topic of rivalries: I love a good rival. Who doesn't?

As a Redskins fan, one must become accustomed to constant ribbing from fans of every other NFL team... and trust me, hearing a Lions fan make fun of your team without blowing a gasket requires a great deal of self-control.  We even have to deal with listening to all the sportscasters dismiss and/or outright insult our boys.        (Does anyone else want to start a petition banning former Dallas QB Troy Aikman from commentating a Redskins game, or is that just me?)

It's tough when people don't take your team seriously. However, there are two games every year which are taken very seriously by both sides no matter how terrible the Redskins are: the games against the Dallas Cowboys.

My dad's favorite shirt. And he's from New Jersey.

For those of you not familiar with football, the Redskins vs. Cowboys rivalry is probably one of the most notorious and intense rivalries in all of sports. We make a Yankees vs. Red Sox game look like an amicable meeting-of-the-minds.

Burn.

It may sound strange, but it's extremely gratifying to see another team thoroughly prepare, work hard, worry about the outcome, and put on their game faces before playing your team. (Finally)

Yes, commentators will insist on pointing out how long it's been since and/or how infrequently your team won the rivalry games. Yes, Troy will be especially obnoxious  biased in his color commentary. Yes, you will accuse the refs of being closet Dallas fans every time they make a call against the Redskins (accurate or not).  Yes, you will be a bundle of nerves and probably have dangerously high blood pressure by the end of the game.

You also will revel in every moment of the hype that leads up to the game, the palpable hometown pride, the smack-talk that actually goes both ways this time, and the realization that people from all around the country are watching the game because even they know it's a big deal. 

And yes, the excitement and emotions you feel during these two games will remind you why you love this sport, this town, and this team... regardless of the outcome.

Hail to the Redskins, hail victory!

The circle of life

Apparently I will only be titling my posts using catchy song lyrics.... you're welcome.

Until recently I thought I had my life all figured out-- I'd graduate and find a job at a school working as a counselor, be awesome at it, and live happily ever after while advising high school hooligans.  Not unreasonable, right? I could've been greedy and wished for a lot more...

Ok, a water slide would be pretty awesome
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However, that's just not what was in the cards for me at this point. It's been a long summer of job hunting, which thankfully was full of supportive friends and family who encouraged me, put up with my nervous breakdowns, and weren't afraid to give me a hug and/or smack upside the head when I needed it. That is love right there.

And you know what? It all worked out. I am now employed! I'll be researching community mental health services, which ties together my passion for being a nerd and my love of helping others.

How did I land such a sweet gig, you ask? One word: nepotism... er, I mean networking. My oldest sister got hired by the same company this summer, through a friend with connections. So once she dazzled the bosses with her mad skillz, she passed along the favor and forwarded my resume to them.  Here's the texting exchange that went down when I told her the good news:

Me: Oh heyyy coworker!
Her: YAYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!! Omggg soooo happy for you!!!
Me: THANK YOU! I obviously couldn't have done it without you!!!!
Her: It's the job circle of life, obv I had help getting this job!
Me: hahahaa annd now I will have the Lion King stuck in my head allll day
Her: Score.

Aside from the facts that a. my sister is awesome and b. my family clearly has a problem with overusing exclamation points, the real takeaway messages here are:

• Don't give up/freak out if things don't go according to your plan. Adapt. 
• Don't be afraid to swallow your pride and ask for help  (trust me, people will be happy to help you become a productive member of society)
• Don't be afraid of rejection (it will happen and it will suck, but you will survive)
• Keep networking! The whole six-degrees of separation theory can only work in your favor
• Appreciate the wonderful people in your life and hang onto them... and of course, return/pass on the favor whenever possible!

So here's a big THANK YOU to my parents, sisters, boyfriend, best buds, faithful dog, and of course the Academy. You guys are what makes me feel like the luckiest girl in the world.

Best. Day. Ever.
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p.s. I'm now off to go shopping because both of my parents, upon hearing the good news, immediately asked when I'd be shopping for dress clothes. Perhaps I should've worn something other than t-shirts and gym shorts this summer-- if only to remind them that I do, in fact, own real clothes.

Total redo of the houuuuuuse

I hope you read the title of this post to the tune of "Total Eclipse of the Heart." If not, please go back and reread accordingly.

This spring and summer my family spent a good chunk of money, energy, time, and peace of mind redoing the majority of our house, due in large part to our friends over at Leaky Pipes, Inc. (Their slogan is "Ruining houses and summer vacations since 1901!" Catchy, amiright?).

Basically, this involved packing up everything in our dining room, living room, basement, and upstairs bathroom while coordinating our family's busy schedule with several contractors and a finicky insurance company who has since learned to screen our calls.


once you stop costing an arm and a leg to insure, that is
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So, in true Dr. Spin fashion, my sisters and I had the brilliant idea of seizing this opportunity and finally getting around to redecorate the living and dining rooms. Painting two square, empty rooms? Easy peasy. I've watched countless HGTV and TLC home improvement shows while bumming around job hunting-- how hard could this be?

HA! First of all, let me just put a blanket precaution out there: if you have perfectionist and/or overachieving tendencies do not, I repeat DO NOT, even entertain the idea of doing your own redecorating project. The money you spend on hiring someone else to do it will be far less than the amount you will spend on wine therapy, chiropractors, wrinkle cream and hair dye to cover the effects of the stress-- on top of the outrageous amount of supplies you will undoubtedly need (to which our good friend Stephane at Lowes can attest).

No one likes an enabler, Stephane

Remember the show Trading Spaces? Where two sets of neighbors stupidly bravely trust each other to redecorate a room in each other's house in 2 days, with only $1000 to spend? LIES. The people at TLC must have hired the propaganda department from Soviet Russia or something because I cannot fathom what part of this fantasy concept even remotely qualifies as "reality" tv.  It has been several MONTHS since we unwittingly took on this project and the end is just now peeking over the horizon.

Consider this a public service announcement: don't be fooled by hunky tv carpenters-- even if they are former J.Crew models-- who tell you DIY is easy/cheaper than hiring a professional.

Ty Pennington sits on a throne of lies
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If you do insist on ignoring my hard-earned wisdom and jumping on the DIY bandwagon, here's a handy To Do list for painting a room:

1. Spend at least a week picking a paint color [aka convince parents to consider something other than the 18 shades of white they selected]


2. Buy paint and supplies


3. Remember all of the things you left off the list and go back to the store [repeat 4x]


4. Wash the walls, put down drop cloths, tape every inch of trim


5. Develop irreversible crick in your neck [aka paint the ceiling]


6. Prime the now-clean walls [twice, if your walls are jerks like ours]


7. Ruin outfit by covering in paint [bonus points if you ruin shoes by stepping in paint tray]


8. Watch paint dry


9. Paint the walls [as you're doing this, suddenly realize you now hate the color]


10. Remove tape [freak out about every spot you missed]


11. Retape every inch of the room so you can paint the trim


12. Paint the trim [preferably while further aggravating your now-aching back]


13. Retouch the wall paint where you got trim paint on it


14. Retouch the trim where you got wall paint on it


15. Retouch the ceiling where you got wall and/or trim paint on it


16. Retouch the wall and/or trim where you got ceiling paint on it


17. Go insane

**Also, since this will likely take place over the course of several days, insert "Spend hour cleaning brushes" in between every other step.

OR you could do yourself, your family, and everyone who has to put up with your Facebook statuses a favor and look up "Contractor" in your local yellow pages. Then sit back, relax, and enjoy the hunky "reality" tv carpenters in your immaculately decorated room. Your choice.

It was only a matter of time....

One thing I should explain: I am, and always have been, TERRIBLE at keeping a journal. Don't get me wrong, I love writing. I also love sharing the crazy thoughts that run through my head with anyone who will at least pretend to listen. Journaling should be second nature for me, right? Wrong. It's been the same old story since I was old enough to write.

Me: Look at this snazzy new Lisa Frank journal with purple pandas that has its own key! I will write my life story in it and cherish it forever. Plus it will save time when my adoring fans want me to write my autobiography. Genius! [pours soul into a lengthy/hilarious rant entry and sets journal aside until inspiration strikes again]

Fast forward 3 years

Older and Wiser Me: Oh my gosh, look at this ancient journal of mine! I can't wait to see all the things I wrote about all those years ago! [open to find there is only one entry] Well shoot.... ok from this point on, I will write in this every day! It will be the greatest journal ever! [rinse and repeat this cycle for the next 15 years]

Granted, technology has allowed me to move away from the glorious neon cartoon animals of Lisa Frank, but the issue still remains: I am terrible about keeping up with things like this.

It's interesting because one thing I learned in grad school is that journaling is pretty much a counselor's ace in the hole.

• Client doesn't want to talk to you? Suggest they keep a journal as an ideal outlet because of its non-threatening nature.
• Client has trouble consistently applying specific strategies/skills outside of sessions? Suggest they keep a journal to mark their progress and reinforce their positive assets.
• Client has rejected every other suggestion you've made to help them? Suggest they keep a journal to stall for time until you can Google more counseling techniques.

So why do I have such an issue with writing more than one journal entry per year? I think part of the problem may be that I am a perfectionist-- every entry is expected to be funnier, deeper, perfecter (yes I just created that word) than the previous one... and that is a lot of pressure to put on something that is supposed to RELIEVE some of the stresses I put on myself in other areas of life. Goodness knows there are plenty of those-- why add something else to the mix? From this point forward, my goal is to take my own counseling advice and use this as an outlet and blog what is on my mind... without spending 3 hours geeking out tweaking and revising the entire post. Buckle up, it could be a bumpy ride!

p.s. Speaking of Lisa Frank, enjoy:

Lisa Frank	UCBcomedy.com
Watch more comedy videos from the twisted minds of the UCB Theatre at UCBcomedy.com